Physical health and mental health are cohabitant. Especially in society when we focus on what we think we are supposed to be, do and look like. While there is so so many examples in life I will speak from my own experience as always.

Step back in time a little, in 2019, I had felt a little flu-like and laid down for a nap. Not knowing when I wake up from this nap my whole world would change. Strip down the details, I couldn’t speak or barely move and ended up taken to the ER from morning to midnight. I had suffered a hypoglycemic attack. Never had one before, was totally unexpected. It looked like a stroke and had to recover for many many months after.

I had already been seeing a lot of doctors having tests done for a lot of other issues, physical and mental. Having your hair fall out even some, or teeth shatter can really put someone into a dark mental state, even if not priding themselves on their looks. It can be devastating and then even more so if you suddenly feel shallow and vain because its so upsetting. You’re not if this is your experience too. Try to have fun with it the best you can. I acquired quite the collection of wigs and head scarves, awkward at first but became a fun thing like any other article of clothing and accessory.

This was only the start of a cascade of health problems that would unfold for the next several years. Diagnosed with several autoimmune diseases. Vasculitis and Sjogrens are the main pain in the rear for me. Short end of the stick here on these as have in my brain, nervous systems and all over. Not a friendly simple disease as one might read with a quick search.

I had already owned smart crutches because I had been falling, my feet randomly falling asleep and just over all weak at times. It helped me keep doing most things. After the attack, I needed those crutches more than ever. My energy level had dropped to having to decide bare minimum things I was going to accomplish each day. Went from supermom to only doing one or half of a chore instead of six.

Might not sound like much but when you go through it you know what this truly means. Questioning is this how life will be after being so energetic and doing everything and more? Being the one that took care of almost everything to sitting there trying to get up and get laundry done or should I start cooking because I might need to rest after cutting up the food to cook.

This is when I had to get creative. Using the food processor instead of a manual tool. Robot sweeper to clean the floors, because no way I was getting everything clean like before. Crutches to walk and rest on while standing talking to family. I had to find ways to make life function when I wasn’t functioning anymore.

The main thing, even some days I felt like this is never going to end. My life is over. I am going to be like this forever and then just die. My mind got pretty dark, I will spare you the details. Point today is I never gave up. I had responsibilities to myself and my family. I would force myself to walk out into the garden. At first I would just be there walk around a little and think about gardening. Or stand in the kitchen and debate myself what chore could I do.

Teeny tiny improvements over MONTHS not days, eventually about ten months after the attack I was walking less with the crutches and decided to start a new garden patch to build more strength. I really had to be careful on how much I did. But looking better came with new challenges. Everyone around me seemed to forget what I went through and not realize it wasn’t over. So they expected me to be supermom super wife again. Which led to breakdowns in relationships.

Long story short, despite all the horrible things since 2019. And close calls thinking this is it, I am about to die. I am still here. Still trying, making new gardens to keep my strength up. It is crucial to be your best friend at times and to advocate for your needs. It is okay to walk away from people who are not willing to put in the effort or support you. There are plenty of us out there that understand. You are not alone, even on days you think you are you really aren’t. That is why inner work, self love is important. Not to inflate some ego. Not to look good for someone else. Its so you are there and love yourself compassionately when things get really really hard. Doesn’t mean do it alone. But does help a hell of a lot to give a darn if you make it through it.

People will probably give tons of advice, well meaning but repetitive and exhausting. May find days you just want to be alone. Don’t feel guilty for it.

I won’t lie, there have been days I laid down and asked God to just end it already. Boy oh boy did I get a, NO. Here I am, agoraphobic, trying to better my mental health and physical health. If I can go through all this, I have a good feeling you can too. Don’t give up. You are loved, cared about and there is tons of support, information and ways to continue living. Might not be the same ever again, but you might. Find the positive in even the slightest thing, trust me you won’t see or want to some days. Just keep trying. Might not be the same. But never know, slowing down and being force to take it tiny step by tiny step.. you might just find the real joys in life and a sense of peace you couldn’t running around like superman or woman. Nudge. You got this.

Coming from a person who has spent a lifetime giving their all to people in their life. It is okay to be a little selfish, ask for what you need. Remove things that make this time harder than it needs to be. Forgive yourself for thing you expected of yourself and lost. You may not be the person you were, but you might find out you are so so much more than that. Keep going. My journey isn’t over, and neither is yours.

Slowdown, find compassion for your experience you are going through.

Notice not just the big picture but, like this red clover photo,

there is tiny little beautiful parts that make the whole.

I am not sponsored by the links in this post in anyway, just tools that helped me along my journey I thought I’d share.

Here they are again: Smart Crutches here. and Wrapunzel Head scarves here.