Maybe I was a little harsh yesterday in my delivery, maybe not. I can’t sit here and pretend that it doesn’t feel like something deep inside my soul cried out in pain witnessing women praise other women wanting to end life.

I might be wrong, but my view everyone is struggling with something. Even with suicidal ideation, none of us truly want to die. We want to escape the pain. Yet so many inflict pain on each other and no one seems to be listening and the more you don’t listen the more desperate the needing to be heard gets into a hysterical state.

I know no one is beyond saving, I am sorry for implying such a thing in my last post, but it genuinely felt like that at the time of writing it. I reflect on my life and all the horrible horrible things I have lived through and the petty crap people have put on me in one way or another. Yet all I can remember is the joy of watching my children speak for the first time, their first walk, the comforting when they cry. Singing prayers and songs before bed or just being silly together. The time sitting and pondering things together as they grew, the weird cartoons and games sitting watching them play and thinking how amazing their dexterity and problem solving and creative ways to play is.

I sat back and admired every moment. Something most don’t know, I am not perfect, I said a few things in my past I deeply regret. Those few moments changed the direction of my life forever. No matter how much I love, apologize or how good I am. It seems to never matter. No one remembers me.

The eminence joy it was for me to cook meals for my family everyday. Teach as much as I could despite my mental state so damaged from a life before them. Not sure Gods plan, but I trust him. Its so hard some days remembering how my body was giving away and still trying to do everything I could. In my deteriorating state I became tired and angry and yelled. I never should have. I accept responsibility for that. But do I really deserve to be abandoned and left to die? I don’t feel I should be, but apparently the people who I thought loved me most do.

No, absolutely this doesn’t mean a call to hate on my people. I do NOT want that. If I did I could write a hate train and list all the horror I have lived through just the past five years alone and make an outrage. I don’t want to. I still remember being so so distraught and our dog of thirteen years passed away in my arms as my husband was deployed. The struggles I pushed through and fears, were so amazing. I thank God for the temporary strength to go to my sons music shows and being in such awe of him despite my agoraphobia and fears sitting in the audience.

I prayed so many times for God to give me the strength to drive just to get the experience of taking my kids to the park or even grocery store without an adult chaperon. No I am not reducing my ex husband as a chaperon I am expressing how it felt as an adult to need another adult there to help do what everyone takes for granted. Maybe you’ll understand now how painful it is to see women say how they hate their kids when I would give up so much just for a damn hug and see their smiling face in person.

No they aren’t dead. My situation has made it financially impossible to see them since the divorce. Not going to go into details, just no a fair situation is all I am going to say. Life isn’t fair I guess. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have to endure our spouses being deployed to places for half a year and feel like someone died or even experience horrible things alone. At some point people will forget the good you did for them and move on to something that they think is giving them more than you and make you into something bad. Doesn’t matter your intentions, or what you feel. People will project everything onto you to make themselves feel better about anything. That sucks.

Maybe I’m mentally retarded, and shut up if you got a problem with me saying that about myself. Just shut up and think for one minute. I truly think I might be, because I can not comprehend how someone can hate another person so much, especially their child to ruin their lives for their own selfish gain. I just do not understand it. I cant comprehend it. I cant. You can think I am the biggest jerk in the world for being honest. But it is not my fault if you cant face reality or face your own darn self in the mirror and see that if I say something hurtful. I spent hours pondering that and all the outcomes of saying it before it coming out. In my mind it felt the best loving thing to say even if it hurt. When I am wrong, I apologize immediately. I do not care if the whole world around me thinks I am wrong, I will not bend my morals or understanding of things without evidence and is true.

Just because a lie sounds convincing doesn’t make it true. I absolutely hate lies. With a passion. I will never get the time back taken from me on seeing my kids grow up. And they will never get the time with me back for those years. That is something that is not on my shoulders as I did everything I could do given my circumstances. Yes makes me angry at times, and deeply horribly sad. My hope one day my kids will understand Mommy didn’t leave them. I chose the choice that was the least harmful to everyone except me. Stupid, probably, but I’d probably choose it again if put back in that situation because I will never pick a choice that hurts my kids, takes away shelter and things from them for my own self comfort.

Not a good survival technique I suppose, but at the time I thought I was going to be dead from my health issues by now so…. Yup. So no women out there fuming who disagree with me, I can not relate to you at all. My mental health has been severely messed up rollercoaster for twenty plus years and the only people I felt like hurting were the people who hurt my kids, So I am not like you. And do not want to be.

So there is a little truth for you.

As deep as the purple in this iris is, I love my kids so much deeper than that.

No rumor or lies can take that from me.