Have a post scheduled for today already, but I just had to get this off my shoulders.

Maybe some people reading my blog or work might think I have everything figured out. Or some of you might be thinking, she’s so full of herself and thinks she knows everything. Nope, neither.

Being severely traumatized over and over in life since an early young age, a lot of people think traumatized people have some distorted view of reality. Some might, but I will tell you, what made me agoraphobic wasn’t just a fear of repeating traumas and trying to avoid them. It was becoming hyper vigilant which led to highly observant to the people around me.

I was naive in youth sure, everyone is. But everyone knows kids see and say brutal truth and at some point we stop being so brutally honest. As adults when we see a kid do it we smile or laugh because we know they are right. Not saying I am always correct. I do try to not speak on things unless I am pretty darn sure its true.

Being quiet,watching, and listening to adults growing up. Watching how everyone treated each other. Saw the reactions, watched the events unfold after. Is a brutal teacher. No matter how much you are aware, the hardest thing is knowing if someone hasn’t experienced it they are not going to listen or believe a word of it if you tell them. Even if they say they do.

Being brutally aware, at least for me, started out confused. Then angry for years, because I was convinced everyone is an asshole and knows better. But that isn’t true after all. It took a therapist to repeatedly tell me, no not everyone thinks that way. No, not everyone is that smart. No, most people are destroyed by one or two events not a ton of them. No this no that. Until one day I sat there and said, there is no way people are that dumb. How would they even walk and breathe? And with a straight face said, yes they are.

I tell you this not to insult anyone but to express the extreme loneliness of seeing a different world, a brutal honest world of walking lies. Wanting to do something about it and just can’t quite figure out how. And maybe I am not supposed to. I don’t know.

What I do know is I have learned a lot. Don’t know everything. Don’t have it all figured out. If I did I wouldn’t be agoraphobic and struggling to figure out how to survive the rest of my life because I was too stupidly caring and didn’t want to cause struggle for someone who apparently wanted me to die.

Not going to talk about that. Just I have been through a lot, and been traumatized by people who knew I was already traumatized. I don’t know if people just want to see how much I can survive out of curiosity or what. I have a few choice words I could say to those people, but I won’t. I will say, God is real. I seen a lot in my day and I know that to be a fact. And he sees you. And yes that means he sees me too.

I know I am not perfect. I try to be a better me every day and will continue to do so until the end whether my health takes me tomorrow or 40 years from now. I don’t know. The odds of living 40 more years is stacked against me. Heck statistically by diagnostics and numbers my time been up. So every day I thank God for another day and another chance to help someone and better myself for a possible better future and world for my kids and everyone else. Can’t save everyone. But you know what, I am going to keep trying.

In a perfect world, people would stop lying to each other and themselves. Be kinder to their loved ones and themselves. Stop worrying about being nicer and looking good to people who aren’t their close relationships more than the ones right there with you for the ride.

One day they are going to be gone. Whether its walking out the door or passed away. Either way that grief is going to be very real. Don’t wait for that to happen. Be real now.

Love a bit more. Be kinder to yourself and the people you say you love. Stop putting them to the side and expecting them to stay while you take care of someone other than the “most important person in your life” needs for attention. One of the most hurtful things you can do is forget the person who waiting first thing in the morning to say hi and in the evening to say goodnight. One day you won’t hear it anymore except in a memory. Soak it up now and appreciate it. And give it back too.

And that kind person who’s always helping everyone. Go ask them if they’re okay. Give them a damn hug. Tell them thank you. Because, they are not okay. Even when they say they’re fine. They are being strong for you. That mile long stare you see them doing when you walk in the room isn’t about unicorns and rainbows. And I one hundred percent guarantee that partner, friend whoever that person is to you… they love the hell out of you and are carrying hell for you.

If you’re one of those people reading this. I love the hell out of you. Thank you for being such a great person. Its okay to let it show life isn’t always okay. Its going to be okay. I’d hug you if I could.

Like a green apple, life can be fruitful but sour and sweet at the same time.

Make sure you’re tending to what you want to harvest and not fertilizing weeds instead.

Begin to Speak Work-book/coloring book purchase here / or TOOL Cards for help with anxiety and getting through life.