This ones messy and long. But hey when telling truth its not always pretty.

Many years ago, I met a dear friend, through a group for people with PTSD, tried to help and guide me about issues. I learned about service dogs, which unfortunately, I never got one. At the time I wasn’t ready and too ignorant on psychology to understand that the biggest lesson she tried to teach was boundaries. Heck I wasn’t even aware of why I was hurting and what was happening around me was bad and abusive. Part of me knew, but wasn’t making the connection.

I knew what borders were, fences and such but knew this isn’t the kind of boundary she meant. It took sifting through a lot of mental fog and health issues to stumble around to the word NO. That was just one boundary. Knowing your limit and telling people no, no matter how they treat you and react to you setting the boundary.

What though is the boundary besides saying no? Its not telling someone do X OR Y or I am going to give you silent treatment for 30 minutes or longer if you displease me. While standing baffled what was not allowed to speak even in your own home. That is just clever abuse disguised as some imagined rule to control your reactions to being mistreated… or at least it was in my case. Silent treatment is NOT the same as giving space to calm down. Absolutely different, very very different.

A boundary is a silent moral and ethical ground work you have for yourself. Knowing what you do and don’t like. What hurts you. Establish these things with yourself first. Its not about avoiding the things that hurt, its about saying no to them. Not allowing them, and having real consequences for them.

All well and good said, applying them is another thing that will take practice patience with yourself and knowing when to say enough and leave.

By Now you realize this isn’t really about normal boundaries. It is, but it is for anyone that might have not had a helping hand and gentle soul to tell them, that is not okay. That isn’t something normal, or to dismiss as a quirk of someone you care about.

These won’t look like expert speaker level because I am not one. I write from a lifetime of experience, and not done yet.

An example of this might look like; Please don’t call me names. Don’t assume my feelings please. Stop telling me who I am. I don’t want to do X or Y. I don’t want to talk about that person or be near them.

This looks like someone lacking or learning communication skills because it was. It was me, many years ago and on going. I have since then learned to communicate a LOT, probably to an uncomfortable annoying pain in the rear level for some. Nudge nudge wink wink.

You get the idea, its establishing something you need or do not need in you life for the best version of you. Now establishing the boundary without it sounding like an ultimatum or a threat… well.. I don’t know this answer, yet. There is a human unwritten rule, however, “Treat someone like they don’t matter and they leave like it doesn’t matter.”

So advice for now; I stopped saying what will happen. I voice what makes me uncomfortable or hurts. I give way too many chances to people. Good rule to try to follow and keep in mind is: “Once a possible accident, Twice could have been a mistake. Three times is definitely a pattern.” Depending on the offense, you decide where this goes.

Minor offense might look like made a mess and didn’t clean it up after you asked politely. Or please don’t tell x to anyone, and they repeatedly break that trust and dishonor your wishes. This might not deserve a person to be removed from your life, but maybe a little less given if the relationship isn’t equal. In these cases, solution might be stop cleaning up after them or stop telling them personal things as much or at all.

However a bigger one like disrespect; calling you names, not respecting your belongings, continuously insisting on doing something you’ve established you do not want or don’t want to do. Or even excluding you from things or people, or disclosing personal information to a third party they know you don’t get along with, without your permission… (Good rule of thumb I use, if you don’t want it done to you, don’t do it to anyone else.)

Unhealthy me used to mirror back behaviors to give back a dose of their medicine. This is just volatile for both involved. Abusive people will only use it as proof, twist your words and then you’re the villain in their story. Mirroring good behaviors is absolutely acceptable within reason. I am not talking about mimicking or becoming a copycat. Just being kind, a smile, politeness, and the ever dreaded small talk for some people might be necessary to participate in occasionally.

The examples above would be reason to give some space to the offender. Whether you say I will not tolerate being treated this way or not – reaching this point of saying that might already have needed to leave a while back. Giving someone space for sometime may give them time to calm down and discuss the issue in a calmer manner. Or when they ask ‘hey you been quiet lately, anything wrong?’ You can calmly say something along the lines of ‘I tried to tell you x, and you did it anyway. I don’t like it, and don’t want it to happen anymore.’ May not be the best wording, but you get the idea. Their reaction is NOT your fault, if they become angry, you got your answer. Dismissing your feelings for their own reasons and not acknowledging your pain and expecting you to feel for theirs means THEY need work. Not you. Calmly and safely remove yourself from the situation.

If the behavior repeats after this repeatedly, its definitely time to leave. That is a pattern of disrespect that will not change.

Sometimes people learn your buttons and say things they know will upset you, while smugly calmly saying see they’re irrational and crazy. Take notice of this for yourself and if someone is doing this to you. It will not change. Leave them as soon and safely as possible. We can’t always control how things go in our life, but we can choose how we handle them. Sure they press your buttons. BUT after that, you have the power to pause. Think about it and decide.

And please please please, do not confront someone you know is purposely abusing you. Make a plan, with support people if possible and get out safely. Almost ALWAYS escalates as time goes on and they are not going to admit their wrongs or give genuine apologies. Stop waiting for it, and just because its calm for a day or two… you know there is a cycle and pattern. Otherwise you wouldn’t be shrinking and avoiding saying certain things. It is not going to get better no matter how much love you pour into someone. It won’t. Save yourself. Do the best you can, forgive yourself later.

No one is perfect. We all can get angry. Pushed to our limits. The most important thing is do not punish yourself – trust me I know, I did it for many many years. Know it takes everyone in a situation playing a part for things to happen. No single person is to blame. Even if you’re innocent. Maybe you kept giving them excuses, didn’t want to ruin their career, or just kept silent to keep the peace. Sometimes being too kind can be harmful too. I don’t say this to guilt anyone. I have done it. My point is know your part. Forgive yourself. And start making those boundaries for yourself. Because when you do, life will get better for you and the ones you love. Maybe not at first depending on how bad it is. If its abusive, and you don’t cut them out completely. You’re going to struggle to heal. And they will possibly do everything to sabotage every new beginning you try to do. Be prepared its not easy, but its a hell of a lot better than sitting in a corner of a room in silence, waiting for the next explosive moment or order or mean thing to be said. Not all abuse is physical, a lot of it is psychological. But it can lead to physical. It may be hard to leave. You can do this. You are not alone.

Even without a good support system, it can be done. You will eventually find a kind soul that will baffle the tar out of you as a foreign personality. Especially if used to zero genuine support beside hallmark card sayings and fake smiles. My experience, don’t run. Keep your distance if needed. But get curious. Lower your guard a little. With the right trusted person, you will feel safe. Not home, because lets be honest home wasn’t safe was it? I promise you, not everyone is bad. A lot of selfish and ignorant people – but that doesn’t make them all bad. Its going to take time, you can do this.

And if people you removed try to come back. Its up to you to allow them, but if they haven’t changed. It will only hurt. Best leave them in the past. ( and if they hurt you really hurt you; mentally or physically.. I am telling you NO. My love to you, do not do it honey, I do not care what they promised or sugared you up with. Do not allow them back.)

Know you are cared and loved for in this world even if you can’t see it just yet. You deserve more than bare minimum. If all this seems no brain-er to you, good, its meant for people who may not realize these things yet in their journey.

As I get better at articulating this topic, I may write a more clear and concise post. But lets walk through the messy for now.

We may not establish boundaries overnight, but with daily work and small step we can manage we can bloom into a brighter new day.

Remember the day lily and know it takes daily work in small ways to make big changes.

Begin to Speak Work-book/coloring book purchase here / or here to the website page for previews and free video.